Been a while since I've written here, or anywhere for that matter. Just been dry, unable to formulate my thoughts enough to get them out in writing. I've started a few times to end up staring at the screen thinking how in the world do I put what I'm feeling into words. So today I attempt to move forward and process some of the MANY thoughts swirling around in this head.
This has been an extremely difficult time for me. There are times I feel as if I can't move, can't think, can't breathe. Like a brick is sitting on my chest and the weight becomes more and more unbearable. Our circumstances are stressful at best. The decisions we have had to make due to these circumstances and the timing of them (life changing in the sense that we may now never be able to have more children) have rocked me to the core. The hurt that led us to this place doesn't seem to dissapate. It lingers...I think I'm moving past it and then it grabs on with a strangle hold on my heart. The hurt, the loss, the mourning, the deep sadness I feel is hard to express. The fear and uncertainty regarding our future can be difficult to push aside. I feel as though I am lacking in so many areas...emotionally (many days I lack the ability to look past my emotions), physically (most days I lack the energy to face this time with the drive and determination with which I would typically respond), financially (in another month we are facing a time of complete and total lack of income), spiritually (I often feel like I can't focus or receive with a right heart the truth of the Lord).
Ahhh, but yet in all my lack Lord, you pour out an abundance of your love on me. You work through the amazing people in our lives to meet our needs in so many ways!
I have to look at things like yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. Spent time with Mom and Ella. Our quest - to find the perfect Easter dress for our little princess. Mission accomplished and then some! My parents are so incredible. They have always been there to support and encourage my sisters and I ( and our families). When we hit tough times, they are always there standing in the gap and ready to help out in any way they can. This certainly isn't the first time in our lives we've needed that support, but I believe this may prove to be the most pivotable time. Beyond the incredible spiritual support and wisdom they pour out, they blessed us yesterday not only with an Easter dress, but also with a huge chunk of Ella's spring/summer wardrobe.
Then I process the love of God we've been shown by so many dear friends not just now during these tough times, but regularly for so many years. Just a few...car repairs by an incredible mechanic at low, low prices, hair care by a dear friend at rates that can't be beat, lawn care by friends that simply want to help us out at the cost of materials, child care whenever we need it with friends we trust with our lives (have never had to pay for a babysitter...EVER!), and now, women in my life I view as mentors that are committed to spending time with me regularly and pouring into my soul (women that will keep close watch over my heart). Wow! These are simply ways our daily needs are being met.
Then there's the past...His faithfulness, His provision...it's undeniable!
Lord, you have said to me, you will supply ALL my needs. You have said, through your faithful servant, that you have something for us in this. You have said, do not be anxious. You have said, you know the plans you have for us, to give us a hope and a future. You have said, you will bless the womb of the barren one.
Oh Lord how I want to be like Abraham! Who beyond all hope, never waivered through unbelief regarding your promise, but was strengthened in his faith being fully persuaded that you have the power to do what you have promised. I desire to be fully persuaded! Not simply giving "spiritual" lip service.
Thank you that beyond the way I feel is the reality of who you are! Thank you that I do not have to strive to be in unity with you...that you love me beyond measure, you delight in me, you are enthralled with my beauty, even in the days of my seeming faithlessness. Because of you I AM faithful, I am righteous, I am able to choose to walk strenghtened in my faith. Oh, what would I do without this identity you have given me, this grace you have bestowed upon me?
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